i just found these, hope theyre not reposts.
A Sooner fan, a Univ of Texas fan and a Oklahoma State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Oklahoma State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Oklahoma State fan had to be carried away bleeding and weak with pain when the punishment was done.
The Texas fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Texas fan out crying like the little girly man he so clearly was (a la Hans und Franz).
The Sooner fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Sooner fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Texas fan to my back."
Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Oklahoma when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A local sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Sooner Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".
"But I'm not a Sooner fan", the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Oklahoma, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'OK State Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"
"I'm not an OSU fan either", the boy says.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Oklahoma was either for the Pokes or the Sooners. What team do you root for?", the reporter asks.
"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm a Texas Longhorn fan", the boy replies. "They're just the best!" The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Longhorn Bastard From Texas Kills Beloved Family Pet".
A first grade teacher in Austin, Tx, explains to her class that she is a Longhorn fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Longhorn fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl...
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, " Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Longhorn fan " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked "Well, if you are not a Longhorn fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Sooner fan," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, WHY are you a Sooner fan?"
"Because my Mom is a Sooner fan, my Dad is a Sooner fan, so I am a Sooner fan also."
"Well" said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Sooner fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your Mom was a snotty arrogant jackass and your Dad was a snotty arrogant jackass, what would you be then?"
"Then" Janie smiled,"We'd be Longhorn fans."
An OU fan and a UT fan were both in the Cotton Bowl restroom...after getting through w/ their business...the UT fan washed his hands and the OU fan didnt. the UT fan couldn't help but notice and said....yea over in Texas...they teach us to wash our hands....the OU fan said...yea well in Oklahoma...they teach us not to pee on our hands....and with that, he walked out.
How do you get an UT graduate off your porch?............................................ ......pay him for the pizza
What does an UT graduate say to an OU grad?.......................................Welcom e to McDonalds, can I take your order?
How do you keep an UT student busy for a month? ...........Give him a package of M & M's and tell him to alphabetize them.
An UT grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says "honey just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate." The UT grad then replied " honey I am already on my way home, but your wrong it is not one idiot but hundreds of them."
Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?".........."240," she says. "Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about " he replies. Later he is talking with a man and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?"......."145," he replies. "Great, we can talk about thermodynamics," says Albert. Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?........"43," the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, "How about them Longhorns?"
An UT grad was swirling from left to right on the road in his car. He was doing this for five minutes. Finally a cop pulls over and asks him, "Sir, why are you swirling from left to right?" The UT grad replies, "Well officer I was driving along when I saw a tree. I had to move left until I saw another tree. Practically everywhere I went, I saw a tree and I had to keep turning." Then the cop said, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is gong to be poor, the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be very cold and covered with ice." The archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a beautiful land in the center of a large mass. "What is that one?" "Ah" , said God. "That is Oklahoma, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, and streams, and prairie. The people from Oklahoma are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them a super human football team which will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will always be balance." God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth morons I'm putting next to them. I will call it TEXAS"
A Sooner fan and a Longhorns fan are standing on the banks of the Red River yelling across at each other about which team is better. Suddenly, a Genie pops out of thin air and grants each fan one wish.
The Texas fan pipes out, "I'll go first." The genie agrees and allows the Texas fan to annouce his wish first. "I want to build a wall that is 300 feet high and 100 feet thick around the state of Texas to keep all those Sooner fans out." The genie agrees and POOF, a wall 100 feet high and 100 feet thick pops up around the entire state of Texas.
The genie then turns toward the Oklahoma fan and asks, "So what is your wish?" The Oklahoma fan points toward the giant wall and says, "Fill'er up."
A Texas A&M graduate took his son to A&M to see if he would be accepted. They measured his IQ, and it was too high (180). They told the father, "We only accept students with a maximum of 100 IQ. Luckily we have invented a machine that lowers IQ". The father said, "Let's get him qualified". The A&m scientists hooked the son up to the machine and slowly his IQ lowered. 170....160....150 when the machine went wild. Before anyone thought to pull the plug, his IQ was at -210, and he went into a coma.
Several weeks later in the hospital, the son started to show signs of stirring. The media gathered around his bed to see what the stupidest person in history had to say. The son woke up, and the first words out of his mouth were " Horns".